...we but half express ourselves
School may have been a slippery, uninspiring time in my life, but it had its moments – most with my favorite teacher, Dr. Mooney. On a daily, he would repeat part of that quote “..we but half express ourselves” in hopes of inspiring something new in his students. It stuck with me, and fitting that I would stumble upon it during one of my first nights, alone, in my trailer. Emerson’s essays have always been a great source of inspiration, and his chapter “Self-Reliance” was the obvious choice for encouragement during a traveling low.
The reason for the sudden uproot was my mental livelihood had been seduced by repetition and consistency – an internal reservoir of normality where the occasional refresh of thought would find its way, but overall a stagnant body of trivial practice lay barren, still, waiting until the evaporative effects of societal commonplace whisks it into the setting sun. It was time for a change and with a bit of coincidence and personal drive, I had moved my things into a 17ft trailer and hit the road.
The adventure began with a place I hold dear – Escalante. The impending doom of winter had already brushed the mountainsides, so naturally the desert was the perfect retreat for the last breath of warmth. But unseasonably cold and wet weather had plagued Southern Utah for most of October, starting my adventure off on a shaky note. My arrival would be greeted with muddy, impassable roads forcing me to find residence at the local RV park. $30 a night to stay in my own camper felt like robbery and my first evening in Escalante was spent in a dimly lit trailer, falling asleep to the sounds of generators and yelping lap dogs – far from the romantic picturesque desert solitude I’d been searching for.
This night would lead to a whirlwind of questions and self-doubt. What did I get myself into? Was this really the best idea? I felt impotent and completely deflated. I had no desire to explore…just wanted to stew in my ambiguity while listening to the rain patter on my roof.
Eventually night gave way to the light of day and regardless how sad and pitiful I may be, the obnoxious internal optimist took hold and hit my reset button. Coffee in hand, I puttered along. The morning sun had already helped the condition of the roads and soon I found a spot worthy of the Bigfoot. I could now finally properly set up the trailer how I had hoped. My books lay neatly on their shelf, my rocks – displayed proudly. The camp chairs perched under the awning, overlooking the desert expanse, and even Francis (the Land Cruiser) had an autumn glow about her in her new parking spot. Things were shaping up and a tingle in my toes told me it was time to wander, and wander I did!
It’s been a week now and I’m happy to report my friends, the desert has once again provided. The cleansing of the internal soul has began and my days are quickly being filled with new sights, sounds, and ideas. Waking up to chilly mornings, scouring my maps and sipping on coffee, eventually setting out down a new canyon or wash. Every turn leads to wonders that transfix for what feels like eternity. Staring at the different layers of stone, feeling their slight variances with the tips of my fingers and absorbing the energy it harnessed for millions of years. Digging up pebbles in search of crystals, picking fresh sage to dry, bathing in waterfalls…all movements a child would naturally make, but things we as adults tend to forget. Simplicity overshadowed by complication, then re-discovered by merely exploring.
Unpredictable the future ahead may be. I’ve put myself in a situation where the security of a city and home are in the rear-view, but ahead is something greater. This journey is about becoming MORE. To not sit idly by as the decay of time slowly overtakes me. I want to understand and discover a greater version of myself, to cultivate my own ideas, to cherish moments that could be perceived as irrelevant, to harness the power and beauty of the world around me until I’m filled beyond relief. That when I die, I know I did the best I could with every ounce of passion and life bestowed upon me. We each have the capability to do so, in our own right, and all it requires is trust in yourself, your decisions, and the ability to say yes to the horizon ahead.